Again, only hypothetically. Please don't sue me. I'm too pretty for prison.
With a blast from a starter pistol, the 2 millionth games of hunger have officially begun.
Before anyone can blink, Usain Bolt has grabbed all of the food and is three miles into the woods.
The rest of the tributes leave their podiums. Tom Brady (who can't walk very fast in his Uggs), Lindsey Vonn, and Kobe Bryant (who has caught sight of his own reflection in a knife blade) are all quickly eliminated during the skirmish.
Diana Taurasi asks Cris "Cyborg" Santos directions to the lake. "Cyborg" thinks she's too much like a reporter and puts her in a choke hold.
Diana Taurasi is eliminated.
Day one ends. A Nike Swoosh lights up the sky to signal those that were lost in battle.
Michael Phelps and Allyson Felix run into each other. Felix uses her Olympic Gold Medal as a sling shot put and whacks Phelps in the head.
Michael Phelps is eliminated.
Nastia Liukin receives a gift from her Russian family members of fur, salmon and vodka.
Allyson Felix, still euphorically taking a victory jog for her Michael Phelps kill, falls of a cliff.
Allyson Felix is eliminated.
Usain Bolt has now lapped the arena 20 times.
Serena Williams receives a gift from Nabisco and a good luck tennis racket from the Manning Brothers.
Mike Tyson comes across Nastia Liukin's stash and steals it.
Now hungry and really, really cold (cause you know, she's super little), Nastia Liukin develops low blood sugar, slips into a coma, and freezes.
Nastia Liukin is eliminated.
Cris "Cyborg" Santos spots Serena Williams and is about to MMA her into oblivion when Alex Honnold jumps off a cliff to stop her. She breaks him in two, but Serena gets away.
Alex Honnold is eliminated.
"Cyborg" turns on fellow District 5 member Mike Tyson and challenges him to a battle. Tyson wins, and karma is a bitch.
Cris "Cyborg" Santos is eliminated.
Usain Bolt is finally tired out and decides to take a nap. Mike Tyson bites his feet off. Usain Bolt is, sadly, eliminated.
Serena Williams and Mike Tyson decide that they are tired of being pawns in this crazy game and go on strike. A tribune of NFL, NBA and NHL owners send a pack of rabid lawyer muttations after them.
Serena and Mike climb on top of the cornucopia as the lawyer muttations gather around them. Serena asks Mike if he wants to make a pact to take poisonous berries so they both can win. Mike agrees. At the last second, Serena whips out a racket and backhands Tyson down into the lawyer pit.
Mike Tyson is eliminated.
Serena Williams has won the 2 millionth games of hunger, thanks to the aid of Nabisco, the Manning brothers, and an awesome tennis swing.