The Odds Probably Aren't In Your Favor: Part 1

The following blog post does not reflect the (serious) views of the blogger. No athletes were harmed, maimed, or killed during its inception, nor does the blogger wish to do anything of those things for realz. 

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Welcome to the 2 millionth Games of Hunger. In an effort to shake things up a bit, we've gathered the best and  brightest most talented  most popular athletes from six different districts to compete. Let's meet them, shall we?

Tom Brady is a superstar football player who is leaving behind a supermodel wife and two young children. Skills include: wearing Uggs, throwing a great pass down field, posing for photographs, and winning Super Bowls.

Diana Taurasi is a professional women's basketball player who has an NCAA title, a WNBA title, and an Olympic Gold Medal. Skills include: throwing balls into a hoop and overcoming DUIs.

Usain Bolt is the world's fastest man. Skills include: talking in a Jamaican accent and running really, really fast.

Allyson Felix is one of the world's fastest women. Skills include: posing for endorsements and beating everyone handily in a foot race.

Alex Honnold is big wall free solo climber who dropped out of UC Berkeley to pursue climbing up walls and mountains. Skills include: being able to scale really rocky terrain and being Mark Zuckerberg's body double.

Nastia Liukin is a world-class gymnast with an Olympic All-Around Gold and a kick-ass name. Skills include: flipping over multiple times, speaking Russian, and possibly dating other Olympic Gold Medalists.

Michael Phelps is the most gold-medal winning Olympian with a bad boy reputation. Skills include: being photographed in awkward situations, swimming, and self-medicating through "natural" substances.

Lindsey Vonn is a female alpine skier with a winning smile. Skills include: racing down mountains, making friends with competitors, and being pretty.

District 5's Mike Tyson is a former heavyweight boxer with a penchant for flesh. Skills include: biting off people's ears, wearing prison stripes, beating the crap out someone, and making movie cameos.

Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos is mixed martial artist and former Strikeforce Featherweight champion. Skills include: choking reporters, beating up American Gladiators, and looking scary.

and finally, our contestants from District 6....

Kobe Bryant is a professional basketball player who isn't exactly known for his camaraderie. Skills include: paying alimony, scoring a lot of points, and pissing people off.

Serena Williams is a professional tennis player with a clothing line and multi-endorsement deals. Skills include:  hanging out with her sister, hitting small objects with a racquet, and making oreo commercials. 

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These tributes are all talented and each have their own strengths, but who will come out on top? Tune in next week....same bat time, same bat channel. 

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