Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Conquering My Everest: The NBA Finals Story

Sometimes in life we need to set lofty goals for ourselves, no matter how painful or excruciating the process might be to achieve them.

So Monday evening I made myself sit down to watch game 3 of the NBA finals.

Oh, I'm glad it's over too.

Ahh, the NBA. By now you all know of my hate affair with the National Basketball League. I don't get it, and frankly, I'm bored watching it. But you sports fans out there seem to love it, so I thought I'd give it a try. Resignedly, and with notepad (read: piece of aqua card stock) in hand, I plopped down on the couch.

I'd like to sit here and tell you that at game's end, I was a converted fan. I'd like to tell you that the notes I took were insightful, brilliant, and worthy of the Nobel Prize in NBA journalism (if they gave such an award). I'd like to tell you that these notes have inspired a piece like no other down below.

I'd also like to tell you that I won millions of dollars, am sending each one of you a million, and am moving to some tropical island.

I think you see where I'm going with this.

So, my NBA fanatics, here was my journey (in note form) through an NBA finals game. It's a little scary, and not at all coherent. Godspeed.

Quarter One:
I manage to flip on the TV on at 8 o'clock, just in time for the National Anthem. I didn't quite see the beginning minutes, as I was finishing off Monday's blog piece on Buster Posey, but I look up just in time to see Chris Bosh hit the floor after taking a ball to the face. Alright! Maybe this game will be good after all????

As a mental test for myself, I immediately write down the players I knew were in the game:
  • LeBron James
  • Dwayne Wade
  • Dirk Nowitski
  • ???????????????

Oh. Dear. God. This can't be good.

During this complete fail, I hear a clip of Nowitski speaking. Is he Russian? My friend Gini loves Russians! I google him to see. Nope, German. Bummer. Wait, why is Lebron the only player wearing a headband? Did these go out of style? Did anyone let John Flowers know? (TV flashes to Mavericks player wearing headband). Oh, ok, never mind.

Mario Chalmers hits a 3 pointer (which wasn't, and then was, and then wasn't, and then was a back court violation) to end the quarter. Taking this opportunity to peruse my twitter account, I come across this gem by ESPN:

I immediately have Twitter envy at how witty ESPN is, thus sinking me into a greater depression before the 2nd quarter even starts.

Quarter Two:
Quick question: Does anyone else think that if John Leguizamo and Apolo Ohno had a love child, it would be Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra? No? Just me?

He gets his sexiness from Leguizamo
 Mario Chalmers hits another 3. Kid is on FI-YAH! The Heat have taken a double-digit lead. YAWN.
OOOOH, WAIT. Udonis Haslem's about to throw down like it's his job. You know, besides this whole NBA thing. Will he...WILL HE....no. (I momentarily forget this isn't hockey, and Latrell Sprewell isn't playing).

Hmm...isn't this Chris Bosh supposed to be good? I'm not seeing it. Quick Twitter check to see what's what:

I'll give you the cheekbones, but that cool demeanor isn't buying him any shots, now is it?

Speaking of not making shots, the Heat are allowing the Mavericks to get back in the game. Is this their M.O.? Blowing it at the end of the half?

YIKES. Dwayne Wade and Jason Kidd collide on a Kidd three-point attempt. Wade takes out the old guy in the front row of the court side seats. DOUBLE YIKES. That's what you get for trying to showboat, old man.

Dwayne tries to make up for sending Kidd to the line by heaving up a buzzer bomber ala Chalmers, but it bounces out. Oh Dwayne, just be content to be awesome in other ways, ok?

Half Time: The Heat are leading 47-42, which seems a little odd considering the way they're slaughtering Nowitski and Co. with dunks and treys.

I'm fascinated by the GINORMOUS screen on the front of the American Airlines Center. Does that really exist? And show the game? I think they can see that from outer space.

Quarter Three:The Heat are pretty much picking up the way they played most of the first half. Wade can do no wrong. The lead is now back to double digits, highlighted by another LeBron dunk. Oh hi, Lebron! I forgot you were playing.

Quick little side note: Did you know that the locals in Arlington refuse to call the Mavericks "Mavs"? I was told that it was quite the ado when the professional team came in and "stole" the nickname of local university UT-Arlington. Don't mess with Texas.

I think I decide to root for Dallas, just to give myself some emotional connection to this game (sorrow, disappointment) You know, it IS nice to see Jason Kidd still playing, though. He's so old school (literally). Right, Twitter?

Well played, Andy Haynes. Well played.

(Mid) Quarter Four:
So, I may or may not have missed the end of the third and the beginning of the fourth. Bubble baths take priority, ya'll.

Hold up....why is this game so close? I thought Miami would be halfway to Denny's by now to celebrate (because when I think of Miami, I immediately think of Denny's Moon over My Hammy. Yummm). Are the Heat really that self-imploding? They are obviously the much better team.

Chalmers hits his fourth three.

Dirk ties the game up with less than 2 minutes on the clock. This may or may not have been with some referee assistance. Ah well... C'est La Vie!

Nowitski and Wade are just trading shots now. Ohhh, and Chris Bosh decides to join the party to give the Heat a 88-86 lead. Is Miami SERIOUSLY going to lose ala Game 2? (Yes, I know what happened in game two. It shocks me as much as you.) Will they?

Final: Heat-88, Mavericks- 86
No, they didn't. The ending was certainly exciting, but not exciting enough to get me to tune into Game 4. Or Game 5. (Or Game 6, but possibly game 7 because I'm not THAT dumb).

I hope this read wasn't as painful for you as it was for me (especially since after writing it the first time, my internet went out before saving most of the post, causing me to have to write it AGAIN). Perhaps you laughed. Perhaps you cried. Whatever you did, I look forward to hearing your comments and seeing you on the flip side for my Friday Funday post!

Images provided by (top to bottom) media.naplesnews.com, iwatchstuff.com, vegasnews.com, zimbio.

Much love and peace,


GiniB said...

Sorry, but this one was a struggle to read. I car about the NBA less than you do, if that's possible.

Rob S said...

At last, NBA coverage! I will be looking forward to more. Though I was a bit disappointed that you didn't include any links to vintage Dwayne Wade/Charles Barkley commercials, like this one with a shot of Charles' doublewide refrigerator:


Actually, Charles Barkley alone is reason enough to watch NBA coverage.

Post a Comment


Design by Custom Blog Designs/FreeStyleMama Creations